Terrorists of the Caribbean

[Mort] Hello, and welcome to the Mort Downright Show. Today we’re talking to the writer and director of a new movie about terrorism. His name is Emerod, ah, Emerod…

[Emerod] Just Emerod.

OK, Emerod. Terrorism is the topic. Good timing right now, while the US is gripped by the fear of impending attacks and barbarism stalks the streets of our homeland.

Yes, I thought that now was the right time to confront our fears.

Right. So, your movie is called Terrorists of the Caribbean. Is this about Communist or Islamic terrorists?

Well, it’s about this terrorist named Mullah Abu Sparrow. He’s famous for leading spectacular terrorist attacks against military, civilian, and commercial targets…

A vicious character that the audience will immediately despise, of course.

Well, he is motivated by a hatred of established authority and greed…

What about his relgious beliefs? How do they drive him to terrorize innocent people?

Well, he is trying to avoid eternal damnation…

All right, so he’s a nutcase. Does he wear a rag on his head, too?

Yeah, he does wear a kind of rag wrapped around his head.

Sure. But he’s not doing this on his own, is he? Does he recruit other terrorist types to help him out?

Well, yeah. In fact, he recruits this one clean-cut British guy to join their group…

A white guy?

Yeah, he really doesn’t look like a terrorist, but he becomes one.

Uh huh, just like that Lindh guy. So, there’s a little group of these terrorists?

Yeah, they all travel around in this old ship they call The Black Pearl, and they hijack other ships.

Wow. Illegal weapons, smuggling, and all that, too?

Yeah, people get killed. But they have this kind of Terrorists’ Code…

A moral code for terrorists?

Well, they’re more like guidelines.

I see. But we can still see a huge difference between these savages and their victims, right?

Sure. But after awhile, the authorities realize that they can take advantage of that savagery, and they decide to hire the terrorists to attack their enemies. They call them “privaterrs”.

Privaterrs? I don’t get it. Why would the terrorists work for the good guys?

Well, they get to do bad things to the enemies of the good guys.

OK, I see. OK, we have to take a call now from Mike in Indianapolis. Mike, you’re on the Mort Downright Show. I’m Down…

[caller] Right! I’m down with ya, Mort. Hey Emerod, can you explain the privaterrs thing better? Why would a legitimate government hire terrorists to work for them?

Well, I know it’s hard to imagine these days…

[Mort] Where we have basically two kinds of people, the civilized and the savage…

[Emerod] But really, sometimes governments have to get things done, and they don’t want their own guys doing it, because it would look bad. There is some historical precedent…

[Mort] OK, next, Gregg in Fort Worth, you’re down with Mort. I’m Down…

[caller] Right, Mort! Hey, Emerod, what are you gonna do next? More terrorist movies?

Well, yeah. Americans seem to like these kinds of characters…

[Mort] Bloodthirsty barbarians with no respect for law and order? Gimme a break…

Well, look…I’m looking at one story now, about a jihad veteran from Afghanistan who comes to the US. People immediately recognize him as a terrorist and the local cops try to arrest him, but this guy, Omar Rambo, hides out in the woods and starts terrorizing people…

Until some Homeland Security guys show up to take him out, huh?

Sure. Or how about this one, where a young terrorist called Neo joins up with some other terrorists in black leather, and they fight a whole bunch of Homeland Security guys with superpowers…

OK, that would be cool, but right now we’re out of time. Thanks to Emerod for coming here and talking about how Hollywood is fighting the War on Terror. The movie is Terrorists of the Caribbean. Join us next time when we talk about the controversy over 17th-century torture techniques: Can they be updated for the 21st century? Can we make them cost-efficient and still broadcast them nationally? Thanks for listening to the Mort Downright Show.


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